Dear Paris Hilton,

I’m pretty sure that you were NEVER meant to become famous for any sort of talent you might possess.  You became famous because you are a rich heiress that video taped yourself doing inappropriate acts with a night-vision camera.  How have you (and Kim Kardashian & fam) stayed in the limelight for so long?  I’m not exactly sure if you are a complete idiot or a marketing GENIUS!!  For a long time, I gave you the benefit of the doubt and thought that you were putting on this “stupid girl playboy act” just cause you know how to play the celebrity game.  But since the release of your new video, I’m starting to question your marketing skills.  Maybe you are desperately trying to get back the hype of your glory days.  Maybe you really stand by this song and really believe in the art of your music.  Or maybe you are just bored.  No matter what the reason is, the world is much better without this song.  Please reconsider ever making another music video again.  I mean, you aren’t even singing!!!  Can you make a song without singing???  Mozart would have been appalled.

In case you forgot about some of the SPOKEN lyrics to your new song, let me remind you…..

• “I went out to the club last night…to, you know…dance with my bitches”
• “It was just a drunk text/In my head I was writing a fiction of us.”
• “My mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent.”
• “And I say, ‘Sure.’”
• “I’m too lazy to type, so I send a photo I took up a dancer’s skirt.”
• “No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore.”
• “It’s a hot mess of misspelled obscenities, body parts, and run-on questions.”
• “She’s like, ‘this guy wants you to wet your lips with this bottle.’”
• “Take the word sex and mix it with texting/ it’s called sexting,”
  
• The hook…”It was just a drunk text.  It was just a drunk text.”

Sincerely bothered, 

I’m dumber for listening to your “song”.

Dear Mr. & Mrs Z,

You are ridiculous.  First off Ivy Blue Carter, so weird.  I heard the meaning behind it, and I get it.  But still….weird. 

Secondly, this baby is going to be ridiculous.  Why do you ask?  Cause you bought her a $600K solid gold rocking horse and a $20K carriage crib….(NY Post)

You may be asking yourself, “oh is that abnormal?”.  And the answer would be…YES!!!  OF COURSE IT WOULD BE ABNORMAL!  In fact, it’s kinda weird.  Like your baby’s name.

I suppose that you want nothing but the best for your child, as most parents do.  But a golden horse??  There is something just gaudy and awful going on here.  This child is going to be terrible.  Like maybe the worst person ever.  Spoiled and rotten with really bad fashion.  You are almost in Donald Trump territory here (who has a solid gold toilet).  I understand that having a normal child while being rich and famous is nearly impossibly.  But the Garner-Afflecks are doing it!  

But if you must spoil the baby, I hope that she will be as cool as Suri Cruise.  Because all of us should try to be just like her.  She may be snotty, but at least she has good taste.  She would definitely scoff at the idea of a golden horse and a carriage crib and ask Hermes to custom make something for her.  You should ask her for some advice.

Sincerely,

Disgusted by how much money you have

Dear Condomania,

As a child visiting Japan, I walked past several Condomania stores and said, “Hey mom!  Look at these balloon animals!  This one is dressed up as a cowboy!!  Can we go in?”.  I was always firmly denied access to what was seemingly a harmless clown shop.  Several years later, at the ripe age of middle schooler, I went back to Japan and saw your store again.  I thought, “OOoo condoms…cool!  I just learned how to use one in my sex ed class!” and thought about going in.  Then I feared going in.  Not only because I was a 11-year-old girl walking into a sex shop, but also because I wasn’t ready to face the type of people who were shopping at your store.  But I always loved your window displays.  I loved the condoms dressed up in so many different colors, textures, characters and animals.  Even though I have yet to ever enter your store (or know if you are even affiliated with the Japanese stores), I appreciate how you have reinvented the simple and boring condom.  

As for your new line of Occupy Wall Street condoms, I am ROTFLing (not really though, I mean who really rolls on the floor laughing?)!!  Way to capitalize on a protest against capitalism!  Hahaha.  And I really loved your statement about them… 

Occupy Condoms!  Why?  Whether or not you agree with the “demands” of the Occupy Wall Street movement that is sweeping the U.S., one thing is for sure; lots of people out there are tired of feeling screwed. Occupy Condoms say it all in a neat little package while affording young protestors the protection they need to stay safe in the passionate frenzy that is social protest.   

Occupy Condoms are sold at a 70% discount to demonstrate our support for social change and the virtuous pursuit of equality for all. Mostly, we didn’t think it cool to be capitalizing quite so blatantly on a protest movement that itself is concerned about unscrupulous profiteering.  So, we’ll just hope for some good buzz and a small amount of unscrupulous profits. 

I also really like Gawker’s take on them…

Given that Occupy Wall Street’s HQ has turned into a revolutionary sex-fest that would make Caligula blush (h/t Smiths), you might be worried that protesters will reproduce awful things like sexually transmitted diseases and tiny socialist babies. 

Thank you for always preaching safe sex practices.

Sincerely,

Safe Sex Practitioner (I’m married so it’s kinda easy)

HAHAHAHA!!!!  Just thought I would share.

Dear Occupy Wall Street Protestors,

What are you protesting exactly?  Global warming?  Rich people?  Not getting enough attention during childhood?

I saw you guys protesting downtown during my quest to find Century 21.  I naturally thought you were a strange cult with your protest symbol being a hand with 20 fingers and an eye in the middle.  I’m pretty sure there was a rainbow involved too….  Fast forward to later that night, after being overwhelmed from the crowds at Century 21 and relaxing TV-side watching local news at home (local news, I have a letter coming to you too).  I saw some coverage on you guys when one of your trusty advocates was interviewed.  When asked about what she was trying to accomplish by protesting near Wall Street, she answered…”we want to stop Wall Street!  We want to get all of those guys to come down from their tall buildings to come out here and give their money to people like us”  (loosely quoted, although not by much).  

My husband and I started laughing.  Like out loud.  LOLing!  I’m not a crazy republican or anything, but why should those hard working Wall Street guys just freely give their money to unemployed hipsters like you?!  What about the ACTUAL poor?  Maybe you should hit up your parents who are probably working on Wall Street anyway!!  And about your tag line about 99 percent of the U.S. is POOR…poor is a strong word.  Maybe your sign should say 1% rich, 99% not rich by New York standards.  I know that you are trying to mean well and relate to the rest of the world, but I would say that ALL OF YOU are probably in the top 5 percent of the WORLD’S richest people.  I mean seriously.  RIDICULOUS!!  

I do give you props for being non-violent.  I least we can all be thankful for that.  I know that you are modeling your campaign after the protests in the Middle East.  But since you guys are already free, your imprint on social justice is much smaller.  And I’m really sorry that you expected 20,000 people to join your cause and now you are down to a couple hundred.  I guess living on the streets ACTUALLY does suck and the rest of them had to go back to their high tuition colleges to get an education so they too can hopefully end up on Wall Street.  

But I think you should tweet your hearts out.  This is America after all!

Peace, Love and Common Wealth,

A working citizen

Abercrombie & Fitch sent a press release on Tuesday night offering “the Situation” and other Jersey Shore cast members NOT to wear their brand. hahaha!!!haha!

The press release…

We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.

And how did they respond???

The Situation tweeted, “Looks like Abercrombie got themself into a Situation!” 

DJ Pauly D tweeted, “Hmmm if They Don’t Want Us To Wear Those Clothes Why Make GTL Shirts #yourPRsux”.

I think they are just trying to make more money off of this.  But I’m sure that MTV will make them not wear their clothing.  But…I hate to say it….Pauly D is right.  As much as think this group of talentless nitwits have no right in making money for doing absolutely nothing, they are right.  A&F are targeting a certain market to buy their clothing…and they are buying it.  It just sucks that their target consumers are famous for being idiots and not like the all-american buff boys on their ads.  Oh well!  We will see how it unfolds.  

One last statement.  GOOD FOR YOU ABERCROMBIE & FITCH!  Way to maintain brand integrity or at least appear to be!  Props to you for taking initiative and caring about your brand.  I think you should take it back to the olden days when all you sold were flannels and baggie jeans.  You guys were the best in the 90s when you DIDN’T sell graphic tees! 

Dear Alexander McQueen,

You will never know how many people came to see your exhibit, Savage Beauty, this summer at the MET.  I waited in line for 5 hours yesterday to see your extraordinary work.  PS - I’m really really sore today!!  Your designs are crazy and pretty impractical.  But your practical skills of dressmaking were impeccable!!  You are a deep dude.  I wish I had an ounce of your creativity.  I haven’t enjoyed a show like this since AngloMania in 2006.

That gold feather dress was probably the most amazing piece of work I’ve EVER seen.  The craftsmanship on that was just breathtaking.  Absolutely gorgeous.

To see everything in person really demonstrates your obsessive need for perfection.  Every detail was intentionally placed, EVERY DETAIL!!  I can sit here and write all day about how I feel about you, but one word sums it up best….EPIC.

I hope you are in a better place now.  A place were you finally feel at peace.  If you only saw the love that was poured out to you at the MET these past few months…..I mean, what a tribute to a true artist!!  LONG LIVE MCQUEEN!!

Love,

A True Fan

Dear Sarah Palin,

I’m really sick of writing you these letters.  Why won’t you take my advice??  WHY ARE YOU STILL AROUND???  My letters to you and your family members have taken about half of my blog.  Let’s be courteous to other mishaps that should be blogged about please.

Anyway, I can’t help but comment on this video.  I admit that Joe Biden, being VP and all, probably shouldn’t have suggested that you and the rest of the Tea Party are “domestic terrorists” (even though I do agree with him).  But your responses are just so comical!!  I mean epic!  I’m starting to believe that you are some sort of genius or something because no one can just make this stuff up!!

In case you forgot what was coming out your mouth, because I’m certain you don’t really think about what you say before you say it…here is what you missed.

“If we were real domestic terrorists, President Obama would be wanting to pal around with us, wouldn’t he? He didn’t have a problem palling around with Bill Ayers back in the day when he kicked off his political career.”

Still on this topic??  I think the rest of America forgot about this cause WHO CARES Obama is NOT A TERRORIST!  And I’m pretty sure that all terrorists aren’t friendly with each other.  I mean Osama would never have been “palling around” with Hitler.

“enough is enough.” She asserted, “I’m not just going to roll over with a sticker plastered on my forehead that says, hit me baby one more time, call me a terrorist again, call me a racist. Those things that Tea Party patriots have been being called over these months. It is unfair, it’s hypocritical of the other side doing that. And enough is enough. And I’m going stand up for those fiscally conservative patriotic independent Americans who wants the best for this country.”

Yes Sarah, this is America.  Feel free to stand up for what you believe in.  But I think Britney Spears would rather be left out of this.  I don’t think that when Britney came out with Hit Me Baby, One More Time, she ever thought that you would be quoting her in reference to domestic terrorism.  But then again, I’m not her.

Yours Truly,

Tired of Sarah Palin

Photo from Unicornbooty.com

Dear Taylor Swift,

I have a lot of things that I can say to you, but I’ll keep it simple.   I admire your purity.  You seem to take the high road as you grow into adulthood.  You are probably a better role model then your frenemy, Miley Cyrus, who could learn a thing or two about class.  You seem to be happy ALL of the time and perky beyond all belief.  Your performance in Valentine’s Day was appalling.  Your long jump was just embarrassing…or…really good acting.  I can’t really tell.

Let me get to the point….that kitty shirt is horrendous.  What were you thinking?!  Where did you buy that??  The gas station??  We all understand that you are sweet and almost fairy-like, but I think you are still living like a tween.  I would personally like to come up with some sort of formula that helps teen musicians become mature, classy artists.  I think you should take some tips from your predecessors Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore???  Yes, Mandy Moore, she had her ups & downs.  And sure, she doesn’t sing anymore, but she seems like a classy lady.

In conclusion, the cat shirt has to go.  So can your eyeliner and your perfect curls.

Sincerly,

A FORMER Disney Tshirt Wearer (please note, “former”.  I stopped after 6th grade)